Controlling A Spendthrift Spouse

Marital therapists have been saying for years that conflicts over money are one of the most common sources of marital strife. Almost all marriages, regardless of income bracket, experience financial conflicts at one time or another. We each bring our own set of values and beliefs about money into the marriage, and most of the time, those ideas are entrenched and not easily changed. The good news is, having different financial values does not spell doom to your marriage. The other good news is, there are strategies to find harmony and agreement in finances. The key is to compromise.

When you are the "accountant at heart" in the marriage, and your spouse believes money grows on trees, you can live in peace, but the first step is to check your own attitude. Just because your style results in a large savings account and a balanced checkbook, doesn’t mean your way is the only "right" way. And, the more you accuse and criticize your partner, the more you push him/her into a "comfort shopping" spree. Money is all about power. If you attempt to forbid spending, your partner will feel trapped and powerless, which will compel him/her to grab some power by doing what you forbid…see the trap? Watch for signs that your financial discussions have deteriorated into lectures and polarization.

It’s important to set goals together. Discuss, together, what your long-term goals as a couple are. Take the discussion beyond boring words like "house", and give yourselves the freedom to dream aloud about the features you want in the house. Stir up some excitement and commitment regarding the long-term goals, and then the short term plan will be more palatable.

Free spenders tend to stay in the "here-and-now": they see eating out at lunch as something very cheap and affordable. But, day in and day out, those $10 lunches add up to $2500 a year! Showing your spouse the big picture might inspire them to cut back to only three lunches a week, saving the family $1000 a year. But, be sure there are some rewards for the sacrifice; put the extra money per week in a separate account to save up for something your spender desires. Buy the way, if you have a home finance software system, you can easily get annual projections and totals at the push of a button.

To keep your checking account just the way you like it, have a joint checking account from which you pay all your joint bills. Then, each of you keep a separate account into which a set amount of money is routed every month. This becomes your discretionary spending money. Each of you can spend that money anyway you want without any interference from the other. That way, your spender feels in control of his or her "mad money". Another way of handling this is for each of you to have your paycheck deposited into your separate accounts, and then route a mutually agreed upon amount to be routed into the joint account. The person with the most financial sense (you) should be the one to take responsibility for paying the bills. If you try to divide up who pays which bill, the system will be too complicated, and unpaid bills will negatively impact both partners’ credit reports.

Some couples have a mutually agreed upon ceiling for discretionary spending. For example, neither can purchase an item that costs more than $XXX without discussing it with each other. This system cuts down on impulsive purchases of expensive items (they may still do impulsive buying, but at least it won’t cost as much!)

There are some situations that may require assistance from EMPAC. If you think your partner has a gambling addiction, addiction counseling or support group may be necessary. If your spouse promises to change, tries to change, and can’t change, there may be a deeper problem, such as an emotional problem that will require therapy. Finally, if your partner doesn’t want to change, and refuses to compromise, this may be indicative of a deeper problem in your relationship, and marriage counseling may be required.