Children and Divorce

Divorce is a very difficult time for everyone in the family, and no one is more affected, and more powerless over the situation, than the children. To children, a divorce means the loss of everything they’ve ever known, including the entity through which they define themselves. As parents, you do not have the power to make your children "feel good" about the divorce, but you can take positive steps support them through the divorce, and help them emerge from the divorce emotionally intact.

Step 1: Allow them their feelings, and assure them of your unconditional love and acceptance. Common reactions to the news of divorce might include:

  • Anger
    At one or both parents, towards a third party that they blame for the divorce, or generalized rage at the whole world. Focus on assuring them that the anger is normal, and help them find ways to express anger appropriately.

  • Depression/Sadness
    Listen for expressions of suicidal thoughts, such as "I wish I was never born". Also watch for social withdrawal, difficulty sleeping, or weight loss.

  • Feeling "Different"
    Your children may not be aware of how many of their friends come from divorced families. Many schools now offer "Divorce Support Groups" through the school counselor. These groups can relieve a great deal of the worry about being different, because they are in a group with other children in the same situation.

  • Fear or anxiety
    Fear of abandonment may be prominent. "After all, if Mommy left us, what’s to say Daddy won’t?" Another line of thinking may be that " if Mommy and Daddy can just stop loving each other, maybe they can stop loving me, too". Reassure your children over and over that your love is unconditional, no matter what.

  • Guilt
    Children, especially younger ones, may believe that they are the cause of the divorce. Don’t assume your child isn’t harboring guilt feelings, it’s a safer bet to assume they do blame themselves. Bring the subject out into the open, and tell them emphatically that Mommy and Daddy are grown ups, caused this situation all by themselves, and will help everyone get through it.

  • "Stuck in the middle"
    Your children will continue to love both parents. No matter what. Regardless of either parent’s behaviors or actions, their love is forever. Even if they say they hate your ex-spouse, it’s probably not true. Therefore, it is very, very important that you say nothing critical to the child about the other parent, and that you resist the temptation to fight through your children. Watch nonverbal cues, too: "Tell YOUR FATHER that….." Watch your tone of voice, facial expressions, etc.

Step 2: Co-parent Your Children. Regardless of your feelings towards your ex, you are stuck with him/her at some level until your children are grown. The biggest mistake parents can make during a divorce is to use the children as a weapon or pawn in the conflict. Common tactics include saying negative things about the other parent to the child, sabotaging each other’s efforts at discipline or structure, or playing visitation games. Even if your spouse is doing these things, it is crucial that you don’t respond in kind! No matter what. Period.

Some of the ESSENTIALS of healthy co-parenting are:

  • Your children must be allowed to love both parents (and their spouses)

  • Your children must have age appropriate responsibilities. This means they are allowed to be children, not small adults who have to parent their parents.

  • Do not use the children as messengers or spies

  • Your children must feel that they have a place in both homes.

  • Your children shouldn’t have to sort through adult information, such as who cheated on who…

  • Don’t withhold information from each other regarding the children.

  • Avoid becoming entertainment oriented during visitation. Your child needs to feel a sense of normalcy.

  • Help your children preserve the good memories they have of the marriage. It’s not necessary to cloud their memories of good times with the "real story."

Step 3: Keep your children out of the middle of your conflicts. Placing them in the battlefield is hurtful to them. Watch out for these common mistakes:

  • Forcing children to carry messages back and forth.

  • Being critical of each other either to the children, or within their earshot.

  • Discussing money issues, including child support issues.

  • Grilling the children for information regarding your ex’s activities, friends, personal life.

  • Asking the children to choose which parent they want to live with.

  • Arguing in front of the children.

Step 4: Coping with Problems. If a problem develops, ask yourself these questions:

  • Is a change in schedule for my convenience or truly in my child’s best interest?

  • Is this a child related problem or an ex-spouse problem?

  • Does this problem relate to the children’s health, education, or time-sharing? (if not, it doesn’t really need to be grappled with. The marriage is over.)

  • Keep all discussions focused on the children’s health, education or time-sharing. Don’t get sidetracked into old issues.