Helping Your Child Cope With Bullies

As parents, we want our children to be happy, confident, and well-liked by their peers. So when they reveal to us that they are being "picked on" at school, we want very badly to stop the behaviors immediately.

Who Bullies?
It used to be that the stereotypical bully was a boy who was universally disliked, and used bullying behaviors as a way of creating interactions with peers. But that stereotype no longer fits the bully of today, who is often very successful, attractive, athletic, and/or female. Bullying begins to appear at about the 3rd grade, and can continue through high school. It is most frequent during the middle school years, when peer approval is the highest priority.

Some factors in the home environment may inadvertently "teach" a child to use bullying tactics. Punitive parenting, with physical punishment or intimidation is really a form of bullying. On the other hand, parents who don’t provide consequences for aggressive behaviors towards siblings are reinforcing the concept that aggression is permissible.

What is Bullying Behavior?
Occasional teasing or aggression does not constitute bullying. Rather, bullying is defined as on-going negative behaviors. It can be either direct (physical aggression) or indirect (as in social exclusion). The goal of bullying is to make the victim feel powerless.

Boys and girls tend to bully differently. Boys are more apt to resort to physical aggression, such as hitting, tripping, bumping, etc. Girls, on the other hand, tend to use indirect methods like manipulating, gossiping, or excluding the victim from the social group. Both boys and girls often involve others in the bullying, in the form of henchmen.

Who are the Victims?
Often the victims appear "different" from the norm. They may have a disability or have a physical feature that stands out. They may be socially awkward or unable to be assertive. They may fill the bully’s need to overpower by reacting emotionally to the bullying. They may have few friends, which lowers the risk of the bully being confronted by others.

How Can I Help My Child?
Coach your child on how to present himself/herself in a way that discourages bullying. The child who walks confidently, with her head up and shoulders back, won’t look like an easy mark. Teach assertiveness skills, and encourage your child to stand up for himself in non-aggressive ways. Practice appropriate responses to bullying that let the bully know their tactics won’t work here. Encourage them to talk to a teacher or counselor. Discuss safety plans, such as walking in a group. Talk to them about what motivates bullies, and help them develop strategies that don’t meet the bully’s needs. Remind them that they are powerless to change the bully’s behavior, but that they can manage their own behaviors in ways that encourage the bully to change his own.

It’s very important that children learn to protect themselves emotionally from bullies. Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." Encourage your child to picture a "bat shield", force field, or bulletproof suit that the insults just bounce off of. Another tactic is to picture the bully as a cartoon character, or imagine the bully wearing a diaper to minimize the intimidation factor.

Perhaps most importantly, ensure that your schools have antibullying policies and procedures in place. Communicate your concerns about bullies to teachers, counselors, administration. Insist that bullying behaviors be addressed. Some schools even offer rewards for students who protect targeted classmates, or report bullies to the administration.

Resources
There are some excellent books on the market that address bullying:

• Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends and Other Realities of Adolescence by Rosalind Wiseman;
  
• The Friendship Factor: Helping Our Children Navigate Their Social World – And Why It Matters for Their Success and Happiness by Kenneth H. Rubin and Andrea Thompson
  
• Taking the Bully by the Horns by Kathy Noll and Jay Carter [versions for adults and for children]
  
  

Two websites you might find helpful:

www.opheliaproject.org [an antibullying program for girls]

http://members.aol.com/kthynoll/bully.htm